There's a meme going around to take a picture of yourself just this minute, no matter what you look like, and post it. No editing, no do-overs. So here's me, sitting in my 3rd floor office at home:

I just found out yesterday that a former co-worker whom I considered a friend, Matt Cartwright, passed away on Monday evening. It was sudden and unexpected, a freak accident at his mother's house. He apparently fell and hit his head really hard...so hard that it was the head trauma that caused his death.

I can't wrap my mind around it. I was just starting to get back in touch with him, it'd been so long and I really wanted to reconnect and find out how he was doing. We'd worked together on all kinds of absolutely crazy projects, and he would always keep us together and keep us moving even when the client was driving him nuts or when he was angry and frustrated. He would always crack jokes and draw crazy pictures on the whiteboards and keep us laughing even on the late nights. Always made sure we were fed on the late nights, too, which was always appreciated.

I met his wife Alison on those crazy projects, too. She's a great graphic designer, and she would often come in as a freelancer to pitch in and help when things got nutty. Alison's an amazing sweetheart, and now I regret not keeping in touch with her as well.

Their first and only daughter, Ellie, turns one year old next week. She will only have pictures of her father to know him by.

I just can't wrap my mind around it. This week was supposed to be a big marketing week for me, but now I just can't focus. It doesn't seem important anymore.

I wish I weren't so pregnant, so that I could actually go to the funeral and memorial for him. It's too far to travel at 37 weeks, or possibly 38 or more once the arrangements are made. I wish I could be there. I wish there was something I could do, besides remember him and cry.

Date:	2008-01-27 10:24
Subject:	Overheard...
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Don (playing with Dot in the living room): "No offense, baby..."
Dot: "I'm not a fence baby!"

Date:	2007-03-03 12:23
Subject:	Who's the sidekick, here?
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	Dot singing the "Airplanes can't swim" song

Dot, who is 3 now, asked to take a shower with me this morning. I said sure, and we spent a happy shower together (me mostly getting clean, she mostly splashing). After the shower, we both got our towels and started drying off.

She draped her towel over her shoulders, and said, "Look! I have...a Superman scarf." So I grinned, and said, "Yes, you have a superhero cape. Hey, can I be SuperMom, you'll be SuperGirl, and I'll be your sidekick?" She replied, "Sure!" She then marched toward me and proceeded to whack my shin with her foot.

Startled, I asked, "What was that for?" She looked at me and said, "I want you to be SuperMom and I want to be your kicker!" And she didn't quite understand why I burst out laughing, but she grinned anyway...

Date:	2006-06-10 13:02
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Found this link from Nixicat, and had a great time building my doll. :)

This journal entry will hopefully be one of my last to "break the fourth wall", in theater-speak (In other words, it acknowledges that I have an audience). The whole audience-orientation of LJ has recently begun to get to me. So I'm going to be making some changes.

The first change is that I will no longer be commenting in anyone else's journal. There's just too much tendency for both the original journaller and anyone else reading to "play to the audience"...usually resulting in not much useful conversation, and a lot of attempted upstaging (otherwise known as, "I can be funnier or more sarcastic than you can"). It's really only the illusion of dialogue.

The second change is that I will be disabling comments in my own journal. If I say something in my journal that you disagree with, or that you agree with, or that sparks thoughts you'd like to share...start a conversation with me! Send me email about it, give me a call on the phone and chat. I think this will be far more useful and rewarding, albeit less convenient.

Hopefully, the result will be that I will feel less inhibited about putting my thoughts out there, and will therefore be journalling more often. We'll see how it goes.

We now return you to your very irregularly scheduled LJ.

Date:	2005-02-09 10:58
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy

gakked from mizmoose:

If you read this,
even if I don't speak to you often,
please post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.
Then post this to your journal to see what people remember about you.

[edited to remove the imperative]

Date:	2005-01-19 15:50
Subject:	Thankfulness
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	That massively addicting Numa Numa song

Again, I've been internalizing for a while, not finding time to post (despite finding time to spend 4+ hours at a stretch every couple of days to play World of Warcraft...good lord, that game is addictive). But I was thinking that I'd like to start a tradition of a weekly list of things I'm thankful for, maybe only 3-5 things at a time.

So, my list of things I'm thankful for today:
    A workplace where my ideas are appreciated and encouraged
    The opportunity to have a one-working-parent family
    A husband who is so wonderful at looking after our daughter
    A daughter who is blossoming day by day
    Experience driving in snow!

Not that there's much snow, but of course I-95 is already completely closed at one point and there's accidents all over the region. Please, let my last thankful point not come back to haunt me later!

Date:	2004-06-09 14:57
Subject:	Striving to be a good strong bow
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

A long while back, when we were first receiving baby gifts for Dorothy, Ceil Weida (one of Mary's sisters) quoted a poem which I found incredibly moving. Since then, I'd been searching for that poem so that I could remember and reflect upon it. Today, I found it:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom
said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so he loves
also the bow that is stable.

Kahlil Gibran
1883 - 1931
Lebanese poet, artist, and philosopher

Date:	2004-05-27 08:40
Subject:	Sophie arrived safely!
Security:	Public
Mood:	giggly

Been too busy to really update much, but Sophie Louise Delle Chiaie was born on May 24th at 8:05 PM, weighing 7 lbs 3 oz and measuring 19.5 inches. From what I hear, it was a long labor, but Heather did the whole thing without any drugs, and is so calm and serene about everything! My sister is an amazing woman.

We're hoping to send them some flowers, and I also want to send my sister a book called The Baby Owners Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-shooting Tips, and Advice on First-Year Maintenance, which is available at Amazon.com. I highly recommend it to any geeky or techie person who's considering having a child. It's written just like a hardware manual, except easy to understand and with lovely funny illustrations. Plus, the information is spot-on accurate as well as humorously presented! Do I sound like a commercial? I swear I'm not getting any kickbacks. :-)

And finally, a photo of the little one. ( LJ-cut for your convenience )
This photo was taken shortly after she was born, and already she's a heart-breaker! :-)

Date:	2004-04-29 11:13
Subject:	The 23/5 meme
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank

Okay, this cheered me up a bit. The meme goes:

1.Go into your LJ's archives.
2.Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3.Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4.Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

So here it is:

"Turkeys."

That is all. :-)

Date:	2004-02-09 18:51
Subject:	Things you don't know about before becoming a parent
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

• Babies can propel a stream of poop far enough to hit a wall more than 3 feet away, but only if you've forgotten to leave the diaper in place while you're cleaning their butt.



• Breastfeeding may be the best way to feed your baby, but babies need to eat at least every two to three hours. So you don't get to sleep in increments any longer than two to three hours at a time.



• Sleep deprivation can really affect your judgement. We've had 3 kitchen accidents since Dorothy was born, and the last one filled the kitchen with smoke and ruined a pot.

Date:	2004-01-26 20:09
Subject:	Photos!
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

Okay, I finally grabbed a free minute...here are some photos of Dot (most taken between birth and 1 week old). The photos are pretty sizable, so I'm lj-cutting for your convenience. :-)

( On to the photos )

Date:	2004-01-13 11:45
Subject:	We're smitten, we're exhausted, and we're a bigger family now
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	classical music and baby snuffling sounds

I probably won't have time for any big updates for a while now, but Dorothy Cecelia Alexander arrived safe and sound promptly on her due date (January 10th) at 11:34 AM. She weighed in at 7 pounds 9 ounces, and she's going to be a "Long Tall Sally" as my Mom says...she measured 21 inches long at birth.

There were no serious complications during labor or birth, though she scared us a few times when her heartrate went down during contractions. And I now realize exactly how naive I was in hoping for a non-medicated childbirth...as it lasted about 13 hours total, I'm very glad that I opted for an epidural after making it to about 5 cm dilated (which was only a few hours into it). Contractions are REALLY REALLY painful, and nothing I've ever felt (even acute appendicitis) comes close. I will probably post as much as I can remember (with Don's help) about the birthing experience later, but it'll be lj-cut for your protection and restricted access.

But anyhow, Don and I and Dot are home now, and are adjusting to a new schedule, and not very much sleep...Dot does most of her sleeping during the day, whereas we prefer to do ours at night. Tough luck for the new parents, eh? I can hear her beginning to rouse from her nap now, so I'd better get going. Thanks to all who sent their LiveJournal well-wishes...they're very much appreciated! We'll have to post some photos later, so everyone else can see how cute she is too. :-)

This past Saturday marked the 38-week mark of my preganancy...Dorothy would now be considered a full-term baby if she was born now! And despite my hopes, the checkup on Monday revealed no progress whatsoever since last week (well, besides gaining a few more pounds...ack!). My blood pressure is still nice and low, and the baby's heartbeat sounds very happy.

In fact, the doctor mentioned that he's going on vacation next week, returning around next Friday, which is only 1 day before my due date. He said that we should be fine while he's away, darn it. I'm getting very impatient...I want to see her, to hold her, to meet this new person I've been carrying around! Mysterious wigglings and pokings from inside just aren't enough to go by.

So, in short, no tax break for us this year. :-) It's likely that I'm going to be following in the footsteps of most new first-time moms, and delivering later than the due date. It's getting so hard to wait!

Date:	2003-12-26 16:06
Subject:	Apparently, it was practice.
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent

Much to my dismay, the contractions gradually petered out and disappeared. Darn. Just when things were getting interesting. Stupid false labor...

Date:	2003-12-26 09:06
Subject:	Practice, or the real thing?
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

I noticed on one of my usual trips to the bathroom during the night that I seemed to be having more practice contractions (have had a lot of them in the past 2 days). Then around 6:30 or so I woke up in some discomfort, to find that my tummy muscles were feeling a little sore, and more contractions seemed to be happening.

So I'm taking a sick day today, in case things develop further. Of course, since I got up and started writing all my sick day emails, the contractions have tapered off. Might be a false alarm...who knows? But I'm eating light, just in case (and unfortunately my tummy feels kinda queasy, which I've heard is also a symptom of labor).

Date:	2003-12-22 19:25
Subject:	Babytalk: 37 wk checkup
Security:	Public
Mood:	hyper
Music:	My Neighbor Totoro soundtrack

Today, we went in for our 37 week checkup! The doctor performed the internal exam to see how things were progressing, and asked if we were shooting for a tax break for this year! Apparently, I've progressed to 50% effaced, and between 1.5-2 cm dilation!

I think the progress is because Dorothy is trying to escape from the inside, based on her movement patterns! She keeps whapping up against the exit hatch pretty hard. The resulting sensations are...interesting...to say the least!

So anyway, the doctor said that things are proceeding along quite nicely, and that he'll see me next week at the same time...unless something happens first! Needless to say, even though we're trying not to get our hopes up too high, Don and I are ramping up our preparations big time! Organizing our little nursery area, packing our hospital bags, etc...so much to do, so much to do!

Date:	2003-12-15 23:23
Subject:	Babytalk: 36 wk checkup
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper

Today, we had our 36 week checkup at the obstetrician's office. Results: I've gained 5 pounds since my last checkup 2 weeks ago (yikes!), my blood pressure's fine, baby's heartbeat is happy around 150 beats per minute, and I'm roughly 40% effaced, no dilation. The countdown has begun! :-)

Date:	2003-10-29 08:56
Subject:	Been Reeeeeeeally Sick
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted
Music:	Squeeze, Pulling Mussels from a Shell (in my head ALL WEEK)

*pulls self up to computer for a while to update journal*

I've been really really sick, with either a cold or a virus, I'm not really sure. I guess I'd just heard about how awful it was to be sick in one's third trimester of pregnancy, and being the skeptic I am, just had to find out for myself. Now I know...it's AWFUL.

( Why is it so hard to be sick while pregnant? )

I might be too optimistic, but I think I'm starting to pull out of it now. Napping is still very much on the agenda for today, though...I am so beat!

( More random pregnancy observations )